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How will you protect your heart today?

I will compare having a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person to an abrupt bee sting. You are unaware of the piercing injection full of hope and fantasy until reality starts to make it burn. Nope, it's too late to swat it away. The more you try to squeeze the stinger out of your arm, the more it hurts. The best course of action is to find something with a blunt edge and nick it right off. It'll hurt for a little while afterwards, but at least the piece that pains you the most is gone.

My whole life I have been attracted to these types of people because I feel the need to save them. "Hey, I've fallen flat on my face a few times. I know a thing or two about picking up the pieces and how to feel and how to love, so sure, come closer so I can rescue you. Stay in this space and let me take care of your emotional needs on top of my own. Don't worry that they will occupy my time because that's how I show I care for you and what I'm made of. Give me just a little bit of yourself. It's ok. Tell me what I'm doing helps you. Let's share a deep connection." (whoosh) "You're acting rather distant. Why do you shut me out? Do I scare you? Wait, where are you going? You're leaving me? WTF????"

(insert wise adult self here) You are enough. You deserve the best.

I've been learning for the past few years about how my conditioning has affected all of my relationships, past and present. I didn't really realize how much co-dependent behavior I was exhibiting and how I confused these ways for love and heartfelt attachments. They've all been fantasies, nothing more than superficial.

Except for one. The one that got away. The one I really wanted to give my whole heart to. He knew the real me and loved me for it. It was the deepest connection I ever had with someone and I reciprocated. All the while, I kept questioning it, "This is way too easy. He doesn't need me. I don't deserve this. I need a challenge." Buh-bye reality. Hello fantasy. Woohoo, isn't this fun? (big sigh)

It's clear how much agony I have been in. A woman too frightened to live authentically in love, and life. I am wading in a river of grief. I'm working on forgiveness...for the bees that stung me and for my own apprehensions. I'm searching for the freedom from these destructive patterns by learning how to set healthier boundaries, how to be responsibly selfish and to treasure my selflessness. I'm learning again how to protect my heart. This time for the real thing.

Have you had a similar experience? What lessons have you learned along the way? Tell me in the comments below or send me an email. Thanks for reading.

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